Here's Pie In Your Face!

With all the hullabaloo of midterm elections behind us, let’s get back to this holiday season’s most hotly contested race: BEST PIE. Gooey, fruity, creme-y, custardy - what makes a great pie? An excellent question. Another, maybe less important, but funner question: What does the type of pastry you crave most say about you? Answer: Gobs, actually. Loads even. We hope you saved room!

Apple Pie

Apple takes the cake when it comes to pie polls, and it’s not very hard to see why: the buttery, flaky crust; the superbly spiced apple filling. It’s delicious! But also, saying apple pie is your favorite is really fucking obvious, Cathy. Like, default much? Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you just admit that your favorite superhero is Superman, or that your favorite whoopee time game is missionary? SNA-OOZE. Yeah, we get that you’re humble and trustworthy and committed, but branch out a little! Work those taste buds the way you do that Pinterest algorithm. Let’s chat again when you grow an imagination.

Chocolate Pie

Not gonna mince words here: chocolate pie is for sluts. You don’t fool anyone, but not for lack of trying. You like crop tops, T-tops, and being on top. You really relate to whipped cream in that sense. People react to your intensity in a variety of ways including: "OMG", “SO GOOD!”, and “GET THAT AWAY FROM ME.” You might not be the smartest pan in the oven, but your personality shines brighter than a fresh glazing of ganache. Also, do you come with a glass of milk? ‘Cause you RIIICHH, BIIITCH!

Pumpkin Pie

Your favorite season is Fall. Your favorite movie is The Nightmare Before Christmas. Your favorite store is Bath and Body Works. We know this because you wont shut the fuck up about it. And because we can smell you coming at 40 paces. A self-proclaimed QUIRKY GIRL, you are so refreshingly different from everybody else! UGH. Choke on a boner. One uptick is that you are willing to try new things - “variety is the spice of life” after all. (P.S. Everyone hates it when you say that. FULL STOP.) You’re also inclined to accept your flaws, like when you found out that 99% of canned pumpkin is actually squash. OUCH!


Pecan Pie

First of all, it’s pee-can, not pah-chan. Second, you’re not fancy, you’re a maniac. Face it, you’re in good company with these nuts. While it’s clear that you have zero taste, you’re still a lot of fun to take shopping. You crack a lot of jokes - mostly at your own expense - and have tried crack in some form at least once. You are also more likely to squirt ketchup directly on your french fries, so good luck finding someone to love you, sweetie.



Lemon Bars

You little tart. You non-conformer. You must really like preferential treatment, huh? I bet you ask for substitutions at Hooters. YOU’RE NOT EVEN A PIE! Oh, you want to speak to my manager? Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Looking for another holiday treat? Try this one:


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