She's giving us something we didn't ask for.
Apparently, getting totally breadfaced is a thing now thanks to the creation of Bread Face Blog. The highly popular Instagram account (45.7k followers and rising) features a young woman fulfilling her dream of becoming a human rolling pin by cat rubbing her face all over every type of baked good she can get her paws on. Why? Because she doughs what she wants!
Brioche, naan, Kings Hawaiian Sweet Dinner Rolls, baguettes, tortillas -- you name it, she smooshes it. For Christmas she face-kneaded a spongy, raisin-studded loaf of panettone horizontally and vertically! Girl's got skills. She even rates and reviews some of her subject's "face feels" on her Tumblr (classic Wonder Bread is "soft and supple with a slight suction" and earned an 8.5). As an added bonus, she includes a carefully curated pop song with each post.
Everything Bagel - "Hot in Herre" - Nelly. No explanation required.
The braided complexity of the Palagonia Large Seeded Twist post unfolds as Queen Whitney belts the lyrics "I don't want to hurt anymore!"
Uh, who hasn't crushed hard on a standard New York deli kaiser roll? Brandy's "Sittin' Up In My Room" captures all the feels leading up to the moment you finally get to wrap your fingers around those soft pillowy buns.
If you were wondering, the anonymous gluten gobbler (simply referred to as Bread Face) doesn't smoosh anything she doesn't eat after. Some weirdos have even asked if they can buy the bread she's boogered all over. She discusses it in an interview with Maxim:
"Maybe it turns them on that I've rubbed my face on it or maybe it's just a fun, novelty item for them—not entirely sure but I would definitely sell it or send it to people if they asked . . ."
Um, in that case, lemme get that LaTour Cookie Crusted Taro Sweet Bread, boo.
J/K. LOL. BREAD LOAF EMOJIS!!!